Launching a thousand relationschips

Once again my lagging pupil, Ted, has proven how little of my advice he actually absorbs from day to day. The minute he found the strength of character to embark on the amazing journey that is a long-distance relationship, something I have been advocating for years, he admitted he would not be seeing other girls during said relationship, clearly missing the point entirely.

Now, we all know long-distance is delightful. An L-D-R provides S-E-X in two outstanding locations, at home and abroad, at highly controllable intervals. A man in an LDR secretes the irresistible pheromone nature bestows upon all men with girlfriends, which the babes on the home front will sniff out like a trained pig targeting truffles in the woods. And it is nearly impossible for long-distance girlfriends to keep tabs on what you are doing at any given moment. The pros and cons tell it all.

Advantages and Disadvantages of Long-Distance Relationships

A matrix by Barney Stinson

But friends, a long-distance girlfriend is not a wife. Long-distance girlfriends are the Lays potato chips of women. They are meant to be enjoyed in massive quantities, with tasty dips and spreads. As you can see on the accompanying chart, the more long-distance relationships you have, the more guaranteed sex partners you have. It’s simple math, and one of the very few times math can get you laid.

But as great as they are, it is true what they say: “Long-distance relationships take a lot of work, even when you are only maintaining five or six.” Trying to keep track of the backstories and groundrules you’ve created with your girlfriends is a dangerous juggling act, and one for which I recommend a dedicated assistant. Failing that, a detailed spreadsheet can allow you to quickly brush-up before encountering a long-distance girlfriend. Here’s an excerpt of the one that got me through the first quarter of ’06.