Barney’s mail “sack” (2)
BARNEY’S MAIL “SACK”
Dear Barney,
You are an awesome example to lovelorn men of all ages. Sadly, I am not awesome like you, and thus need your advice.
I like a co-worker, and get along really well with her socially. However, I lack romantic experience, and thus have qualms about asking her out on a date. I am worried that if I do so and she says no, then it will be really awkward around the office. How does a bad-ass stud like yourself deal with situations such as this?
Thanks!
Worried in the Workplace
P.S. I already have a suit.
Dear Worried:
Thank God you wrote me because you were definitely about to screw this one up something royal. Everything about your email (with the possible exception of suit ownership) suggests your entire approach to chicks is nothing short of disastrous, condemning you to a love-life full of dry-action spooning beneath the flickering lights of Notting Hill or some other such crap. Given your “I am not awesome” mindset, it’s easy to see why you “lack romantic experience” — anyone as consistently wrong as yourself has a better shot at getting laid by accident* than through his own laborious, Ted-headed designs. Fear not, Worried, there is an answer, but enlightenment requires a long and dangerous journey deep within your nested incorrectitude. One of us may die.
The problem is you’re not thinking like a man. You’re concerned if you ask out your co-worker and she says no, it will be awkward around the office. Correct. But if you ask her out and she says yes, after which you nail her and never call her again, will that not be equally or even more awkward? I take it by your silence that you had not even considered this scenario, proving you were erroneously anticipating a pedestrian office romance rather than an evening of lustful play atop the copier or other appropriate office equipment (Varsity challenge? Try the water cooler.). This is flawed thinking, my friend, for an office romance that lasts longer than a rousing game of squash, while fraught with peril for all, is most likely lethal for a man of your limited “romantic experience.”
Advice? Go forth and score no fewer than six hundred biscuits without looking back. Can one of the biscuits be this co-worker of yours? Of course, but first you must either A) get her fired or B) quit your job. Then the only awkwardness you’ll face will be listing “PLAYER” under “Reason for leaving” on your resume. Godspeed.
* Please email stories of accidental layage to barneystinson@yahoo.com
Loading ...