Canadian Citizenship

October 19, 2009

Picture this: You’re hitch-hiking in Winnipeg in July. Which means it’s freezing out, so you hop in without properly addressing the situation. About a half mile down the road, you’re perturbed when you realize the driver is a crazy murderer and before you can say “Stop what you’re doing, eh!” you are impaled on the blade of his hockey stick. That my friends, is a normal day in Canada.

Now why would anyone want to become a citizen of this backwards “country?” This is one of the great remaining mysteries of the world –- right up there with Stonehenge, crop circles, and why all Brazilian women are 10’s.

Well, I have a plan. If enough of us Uncle Sam lovin’, red white and blue bleedin’ patriots take the Canadian citizenship test, we can vote to make it our fifty-first state and dissolve it once and for all. With that in mind, here’s a cheat sheet to the Canadian citizenship test.

The Official Canadian Citizenship Test for Canadian Citzenship

1) Do you want to be a Canadian?

2) Really?

3) Which is more fun?

eh) Watching hockey

b) Having Sex

4) Alex Trebek is ________

eh) Canadian

b) Creepy

c) Canadian and Creepy

5) Which country do you most wish you were really a citizen of?

eh) U.S.A.

b) All of the above

6) Moose are __________

eh) A National Treasure

b) Good eats

c) Proctoring this test

7) The colors of the Canadian Flag are:

eh) Red and White

b) Maple Syrup and Mountie

c) Cold

Canada’s Biggest Export is:

eh) Petroleum

b) Teeth

c) Mustachioed Game Show Hosts

9) Boxing Day is:

eh) A Holiday celebrated the day after Christmas

b) A day devoted to punching people? The sounds awesome!

10) If you answered “yes” to questions 1 and 2, there is still time to back out. Just get up and walk away and no will be the wiser.